OK - So unfortunately someone came around to my house last night and attacked my car in order to help me "remember and share any other events" that may have occurred on that hazy and sleazy afternoon in Bangkok. Fortunately for me, they didn't realise I have a company car. But in the interest of light hearted entertainment,

here we go... disclaimer time...

*Disclaimer - I am NOT for one minute attempting to make light of anyone's experience with sexual assault, rape or lady-boys, I am merely making fun of MY experience with sexual assault, rape, and lady-boys.

So I finished my last recount with Hinton getting his feet washed by a lady-boy and then being led upstairs for his massage... and I honestly wish that we all had traditional massages, and all lived happily ever after. But what really happened was one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things that I have ever experienced.

Hinton was led upstairs by his lady-boy, and Spenny and I were led upstairs by our male massage attendants. I can't remember too much about Spenny's masseuse, mostly on account of my masseuse insisted in standing in my way, and turning around every 3 steps and smiling at me say "It's OK - come on." To which I replied, "Settle down, I'm coming..." Not the best choice of words. Oh, and did I mention that my masseuse insisted on walking 3 steps ahead of me up the stairs, wiggling his backside as he walked, and making sure his pink satin underpants were showing above his tight jeans? I didn't. Oh - well now you know.

**Error number FOUR** When you are being led upstairs for a traditional massage by a lady-boy and two twig-looking men who keep smiling at you and wiggling their satin-encased hips at you on the stairs - there is a pretty good chance you are gonna get screwed. No matter if you like it or not.

So my masseuse - lets call him "Mr Khayup Niu" which roughly translates as "Mr Wiggly Fingers" - ushers me into this room, pats the massage table - which if we are honest is just a mattress behind a curtain, and then holds up a pair of tiny flimsy pyjamas and gestures to me to put them on before he races out of the room. Almost before I am dressed again, he bursts back in, and after some lost in translation conversation, pushes me onto my back and starts massaging my feet.

So, at this stage, I'm wearing next to nothing, spread-eagled on my back in some seedy part of Bangkok with an overly eager man wearing bright pink satin underpants who is smiling far too much for my liking, perched between my legs and massaging my feet. Things can't get can't get any more awkward can they?

Wrong. Things were about to take a turn towards "way more awkward" side.

Mr Khayup Niu (AKA wiggly fingers) changed position somewhat, so that he was now perched kneeling between my legs while I was on my back with my legs splayed out like a frog in a pretzel imitation competition, and began massaging from both ankles, and into my calves - which wasn't too bad - up past my knees and into my thighs - which was starting to get a little uncomfortable - right up to my groin - at which point I started to twitch and try and move away - and, well there is no nice way to say this - straight up my gentleman bits.

**Error number FIVE** If a masseuse touches your gentleman bits. It wasn't an accident. It was never an accident, and will never "accidentally" happen just once... GET OUT NOW"

I nearly hit the freaking roof, and jerked away, but Wiggly Fingers just laughed and said "Oh, sorry sorry" and pushed me down on the bed again. At the same time I heard Spenny and Hinton giggling from the other massage rooms, so in my naivety just thought "Oh, obviously we are all getting the same treatment and it is just some kind of twisted Thai joke". So I tried to relax and laid back down.

Again wiggly fingers started massaging, slowly working his way up my calves, thighs, and into my groin (not actually my bits - just the literal groin), but as he repeated this motion, I realised he was slowly working his way towards my cock again. Persistent little bugger. He kept "accidentally" brushing and touching it, and each time I tried to squirm away, he'd say "shhh... it's OK, relax... quiet". In the back of my mind, fear started to take over, and I remembered a scene from a movie called "Once were warriors" when Uncle Bully forces his way into a girls room and pins her down saying "Shhh... it's OK..."

To say I was uncomfortable is a huge understatement. Wiggly Fingers again worked his way up to full groping mode only this time he forgot to even TRY and pretend like he was massaging me legitimately, and just took liberties that would make a porn star blush. Two little Thai hands started ferreting around my pants grabbing my meat and potatoes and squeezing and massaging. Now, guys might understand this, but when someone LITTERALLY has you by the balls, you just kinda freeze. Wiggly fingers took this as his chance to try and get a rise out of me (pun intended) and for about 5 seconds started going all out with his rubbing and massaging. All I could think of was "Please lil Mini Will - now is NOT the time to get happy. We do NOT have a go for launch!" When he let go of my potato sack I tried to sit up, but he was obviously ahead of me and pinned me back down to the bed and put his hand over my mouth and just looked at me and said "shhhhh!".

I freaked out and went into play dead survival mode. All I could think about was uncle Bully breathing down my neck.

**Error number SIX** Don't just shut down and go into survival mode. That is just an invitation for MORE trauma!

He rolled me over onto my stomach, which was a relief for all of 3 seconds, because as SOON as my back was turned, his hands started groping massaging my ass. I think I must have kinda shut down mentally, because for the next however long, all I can remember was Wiggly Fingers trying to pull down my pants, or fold me over his lap and dry hump me in some strange massage position, or find some excuse to grab, touch, grope and rub me. At one stage he pretty much stretched out over me while I was laying on my stomach, put his lips against my ears and said words that still chill me...

"...um, do you want oil and a fuck?"

After spending the last 40 minutes twitching and jumping around and trying to avoid your slimy little wiggly fingers, do you think I am going to be won over that easily? You'd at least have to buy me dinner first.

When it all finished, he left me on the bed, crying in the fetal position to get dressed again, but decided he didn't want to do that, and burst back in. He tried to get me to put my bag down and kept whispering something to me which I had no understanding of. He kept closing the curtain and pointing to the bed and to me. I was like what? You want me to get on the bed? Next thing I know he has pounced onto the bed, with my bag and beckoning me to join him.

Thankfully, and really I mean thankfully - I hear a voice from behind the curtain...

Spenny : "Will - are you alright?"

Will : *Grabs bag from Mr Sex offender Wiggly Fingers* : "Yes!"

I ripped open the curtain and raced down the stairs past a stunned Hinton and Spenny...

Hinton : "How was your massage?"

Will : "Just keep walking"

Spenny "What? What happened?"

Will : "Just wait until we are in the taxi..."

We wandered out of the massage parlour into a dirty typical Bangkok side street, walked a short distance until we could find a taxi, and after a few minutes of silence, we started comparing stories on the way back to the hotel...

Hinton : "I thought mine accidentally touched me up once, but when he did it a second time I glared at him and said no - after that he was fine"

Spenny : "Haha, yeah, mine touched me once or twice and laughed, but that was about it..."

Will : "Mine kept touching me too... the whole time"

Hinton turned around in horror, Spenny laughed... "What?"

Will : "...yeah, the whole time... I thought it was like their joke or something... I didn't actually know what a traditional Thai massage was."

Spenny : "Yeah, it was pretty funny, but only at the beginning"

Hinton : "Mine placed my foot into his groin at one stage... I'm pretty sure he was hard"

Will : "Mine tried to sleep with me... "

Spenny *laughing* : "No way, What?"

Will : "Did you guys get like, kinda bent over his lap so both your gentleman bits were touching, and then have him try to pull down your pants and keep massaging your ass?"

*Silence*

Will : "Oh, FUCK!"